How much wood? Answering the old question

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Once the fast delivery of this tongue twister has been mastered, have you ever stopped and wondered what the answer to the question is? I hope to find an answer, or at least be able to give a ballpark estimate.
There’s a series of distinctions that need to be made before finding an answer, and here is the order:
1) The definition of “chuck.” Determining what the woodchuck is supposed to be doing is key.
2) “IF.” The word “if” implies that a woodchuck cannot “chuck” so the next step is to decide what must happen in order for the woodchuck to be able to “chuck.”
3) Now that we’ve figured out that “A woodchuck can chuck wood,” we need to decide how effectively it can do so, therefore determining how much. After completing this step, we will hopefully have an estimated answer.

Step 1:

I find it impossible to determine which definition of “chuck” is intended; at least not certainly enough that the margin of error would not throw the accuracy of the answer so far off that it would be rendered irrelevant. So the best option is to get three different answers from the three most likely definitions: a) “to throw or toss,” b) “a device used for holding drill bits,” and c) “food, provisions.” Having chosen three definitions, we proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Let’s define “a piece of wood” as the triangular cut of wood that is typically used for camp fires: about a foot long, and 4-6 inches in diameter.

2a) “To throw or toss.” Now “IF” must be determined. Can a woodchuck throw wood? Woodchucks are solid, tough creatures, but they have short limbs. So while they have the strength required, they lack the proper build. I’m no woodchuck expert, but given their body shape, and most likely lower coordination, throwing firewood is something a woodchuck could do marginally at best. So it needs to be clever. Since all the lists of smartest animals were completely void of woodchucks, I’ll rule out it being able to create any kind of device such as a catapult. Instead, in order to chuck, a woodchuck needs a perch, say, a 20 foot cliff. A woodchuck would be able to apply enough horizontal force on a piece of wood to toss it off a small cliff. Therefore, the woodchuck would be able to chuck.

2b) “A device used for holding drill bits.” This one presents a grammatical problem, as this definition of “chuck” is a noun, and the tongue twister uses “chuck” as a verb. However, given the context, I think we can concede that placing a piece of wood into the chuck could be called “chucking the wood.” It may not be the easiest task for a woodchuck to complete, but I have no doubt it would be capable.

2c) “Food, provisions.” I find this definition to be the least likely due to its specifications. We all know that the only way a woodchuck could chew up wood (food) and use it as its dwelling (provisions) is if there was some beaver in its pedigree. Since woodchuck-beaver cross breeds are few and far between, one has to question whether this was the definition intended by whoever penned the phrase, but the author of a tongue twister is going for functionality, not accuracy, so this possibility cannot be discarded. So what must happen in order for a woodchuck to “chuck?” It must be part beaver.

Step 3: Having previously set “pieces of wood” as a camp fire log, let’s set “chucking effectiveness” at a rate of how many pieces of wood the woodchuck can chuck in an hour.

3a) “How effectively can a woodchuck toss wood?” The act of the woodchuck chucking the wood off of the small cliff will take little time, maybe ten seconds max. This would mean that a woodchuck can chuck wood at a rate of 360 pph (pieces per hour). However, in all likely hood, the wood isn’t already at the top of the cliff, so the woodchuck will have to drag the small log all the way to the top. No easy task, but since we’ve already established woodchucks as strong, sturdy creatures, I’ll estimate that it will take about 8 minutes to drag one log up the hill and throw it off the cliff. So the final answer is: 7.5 pph.

3b) “How effectively can a woodchuck put wood in a chuck?” Since chucking wood in this way takes a bit more coordination, I would guess that it would take a woodchuck about 20 seconds to chuck one piece of wood. But here we run into even more problems. The decided size of the log won’t fit into many chucks if any. It will need cut into let’s say six pieces in order to be able to be chucked. So first, the woodchuck will have to drag the wood to the nearest beaver (unless it is part beaver itself, but not likely). This could be a long way away, or quite close. We’ll say it will take about 20 minutes for the woodchuck to take a piece of wood to the beaver. The beaver will need about three minutes to finish servicing the log, then the woodchuck will have to drag six small pieces of wood back to the chuck. Since the log is now in pieces, it will be more difficult, and will probably take about 30 minutes. After all of this, it will have to chuck each piece of wood, which at 20 seconds per piece will take two more minutes. So the total time is 55 minutes. In this case, a woodchuck can chuck wood at a rate of 1.09 pph.

3c) “How effectively can a woodchuck use wood for food or provision?” Chucking wood is what beavers do best, whether it’s building a house, or chomping down on a tree, but the question is how well a beaver-woodchuck cross breed can chuck wood. Looking specifically at using wood to build a house, a beaver is quite proficient, I would guess it could use a log every minute and a half (giving it time to push the wood from shore, to the dam, put it in place, and swim back to shore for the next one.) Since this prototype cross breed is half beaver, half woodchuck, we’ll say it has only half the effectiveness, therefore taking three minutes per log. Do the easy math: 20 pph.

So how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If you can figure out how long the woodchuck is chucking wood, you can now find three answers.

Tribute to John Madden

Several weeks ago, longtime football broadcaster John Madden announced his retirement. As many of you know, Madden has long been the punchline of many of my jokes, however, today I've had a change of heart. So, here is my tribute to John Madden. My tribute to some of his incredible feats and accomplishments.

-Congratulations, John Madden, for your perseverance at trying to master the broadcast etch-a-sketch. We all know how difficult and confusing it is to use it. It wasn't your fault you were always drawing circles around the wrong players, that machine has a mind of its own. Yet you never showed hesitation while trying to show us how the slot receiver ran a crossing route...er...the outside receiver came across the middle to make the catch. We never would have been able understand what had happened on the previous play without all those yellow scribbles.

-Congratulations, John Madden, on being probably the only person with your level of fame, to NOT show up first on a youtube search of your name. What's the title of the first video? "Frank Caliendo." Go figure, such a titanic household name, yet you don't actually show up until 5th in the previously mentioned search. That's what I call impressive!

-Congratulations, John Madden, on providing building blocks for the country's greatest impersonator/comedian. Frank Caliendo is now known for being able to pull off a convincing impression of pretty much anyone famous, but it all started with his famous, "Now if the quarterback, throws the ball, an-an-and the receiver catches it, in the end zone, well that's gonna be a touchdown!" Frank Caliendo has made so many people laugh so many times, and just think, you helped start it!

-Congratulations, John Madden, on being one of the few people who could see a steak being prepared in a stadium and see it as an opportunity to make fun of vegetables. I'm sure you remember going off on a tangent about how green beans aren't good when a shot showed a Pittsburgh vendor piling sauteed onions on a large slab of meat.

-Congratulations, John Madden, for making so much out of so little. All the other people in the broadcast biz can formulate sentences better than you can, can find informative pieces of information better than you can, can speak more clearly than you can, and can analyze games better than you can, yet you still got your voice all over prime time games AND the biggest NFL video game. You are a testament to beating the odds and overcoming disabilities.

-Finally, congratulations, John Madden, for picking the perfect time to retire. You left your spot in NBC's Sunday Night Football broadcast booth just before a season in which you would have done three Eagles games. If I would have had to listen to you announce three of my team's games the same season, within six weeks none the less, yours truly just might have gone crazy.

Happy, retirement, John. You will not be forgotten.