Please, National League. Just add the DH

Baseball. America’s great pastime. Ever wonder why it’s merely a pastime, rather than the most popular sport? Tradition mostly. While other sports continue to evolve, baseball is played pretty much the same as it was years ago. They’ve gotten bigger, faster, stronger, and hopefully better, but it’s still essentially the same game. They refuse to use instant replay, because we all know that taking a minute or two to look at a play is too long for a game that has a designated stretch time for fans. Take the Designated Hitter. The one major renovation to game play in a long while, yet baseball traditionalists hate it. No, the DH doesn’t make sense playing in your back yard, but when we’re talking about elite levels of play, it’s the only sensible option. Pitching at the major league level is incredibly difficult. Individuals devote their whole lives learning the trade. Hitting at the major league level is incredibly difficult. Individuals devote their whole lives to learning the trade. Sorry folks, but no one has two lifetimes to devote to anything, much less baseball. Asking a pitcher to hit is like asking the blacksmith to sing at the opera on weekends. Every once in a while, one of them might have enough natural talent to get by and not look completely terrible, but it’s not what they have been, or should be, working on. Yet, because people still find the double switch to be such a fascinating move of managerial brilliance, everyone who disagrees is labeled as unsophisticated. So, in the name of strategizing and sophistication, I’m introducing some rule changes to other sports.

Football. Every ninth defensive play, the quarterback has to play middle linebacker. Since everyone knows that Peyton Manning wouldn’t even be able to get off of a block by Darren Sproles, the whole defense will have to devise a scheme that essentially allows him to stand there and do nothing. Now that’ll make the game more exciting. And you know how in the best case scenario when the pitcher gets a hit, they barely let him run and certainly forbid him to slide so that he doesn’t get hurt? That one time when Peyton actually splits two blockers and finds himself one on one with the running back, he’ll be under strict orders not to so much as extend him right arm trying to make the tackle. Oh, the strategy! Once this rule takes effect, there’ll be no going back!

Basketball. Every ninth minute, the coaching staff has to go in and play and the players have to coach. Think of the strategy this’ll induce! Now age, size, and stature comes into play when you’re hiring a coach! Not to mention each team will have to hire a wardrobe design crew to come up with the most comfortable, athletic friendly clothes that also fit the NBA’s coaching dress code. Not to mention that those minutes will be extremely fan friendly. So bad that it’s great.

Golf. Every ninth shot has to be swung the opposite way. So Tiger Woods has to hit left handed. But get this. He still has to use his right handed clubs. So now on his eighth shot, he has to either lay it up for an easy shot or risk having to try to chop it out of the sand trap left handed.

NASCAR. Pretty simple. Pit chief drives every ninth lap. That way, just when you’ve started to build up speed and get things rolling, you have to stop and let the pit chief drive a lap, then switch again and start over.

Soccer. Every ninth shot, the goal keeper can’t use his hands. Now I think we can all agree on the brilliance of this rule. When that ninth shot is coming up, the defenders have to start playing tight to try and prevent a chip shot, the goal keeper has to switch to playing a completely different style, and soccer will have its equivalent of the foul shot. It should be so easy to score, but because everyone is so focused on getting off the right kind of shot because it’s so easy, certain players would struggle miserably, to the amusement of us all.

The basic point of all of this sarcasm being: If you’re the top level of a professional sport, don’t bring down the level of competition by asking players to do things that we all know they can’t do. Rally killing at bats by pitchers are not in the best interest of the sport. Not to mention that American League pitchers are forced to become more mentally tough because they face nine batters over and over. They don’t get a free pass every ninth hitter. But, then again, who am I to try and take away the enjoyment of watching pitchers take three ugly hacks at pitches out of the strike zone and walk back to the bench.